


The 'what if' is always going to hold me back

by jordeadinside



Series: Wires [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cheating??, M/M, Sad, WTF, blueberry didnt mean it, can it be called that? i mean like., dialogue is something i suck at, dw i'll fix it later, how do i tag this is my first work, i need some baguetti to forgetti my regretti, i ship this so much why did i write this?, im sad now, just wait, kagehina is life, lets watch him suffer, over thinking, sunshine suffers, tbh this gets no where, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 11:59:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10019852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordeadinside/pseuds/jordeadinside
Summary: His eyebrows furrowed, he bit his lip but didnt say anything. He so badly wanted to, wanted to say something. Anything. But what if he did? Would Tobio yell at him? Would he ignore him? He didn't know.this is my first ever work with kagehina and first ever time posting on ao3 or anything so forgive me.  i hope its good.. enjoy





	

**Author's Note:**

> i started this and went from there so

They had been together for a little bit over a year now. In fact, it was almost two years since they got together in their first year. 

They were in their second one now. 

He remembers the moment they got in a relationship very clearly, the stumble of words and the blushing. It was cheesy, they both knew it. 

He loved Kageyama so much, so why was this happening? He loved the head over heels for milk boy so very much, where he can feel it right down to his bone. 

So why was this happening? 

Isn't it to soon? For this to be happening? 

The ginger, laying in his bed at 3am, felt his heart rate spike. He sat up sitting crossed legged with the blanket falling off of him. He put his back against the wall, a large yet silent sigh escaping him. The restless boy picked up his phone, checking it again, almost out of habit. 

Of course there wasn't a message, he hadn't messaged anyone in the first place. Maybe it was that tiny bit of hope he had, the hope of having a message being there, one which tells him everything. Explains everything, but of course, there wasn't anything there.

The numbers on his cell phone glare at him through the darkness of his bedroom, 3:24am. 

He puts the phone back down with maybe a little more force than needed. His mind on over drive, seeking answers. Too scared to ask anyone for help, because what if he's wrong? 

What if Tobio wasn't cheating, what if this was all a misunderstanding. He didn't want to be blamed for not trusting the black haired boy, no, he trusts him more than he needs to. That's a fact. 

They haven't talked one on one for a while, maybe its been a week? or two? Sure, that's not a lot of time. Some people go years without talking, but this isn't 'some people'. This is Shouyou and Tobio. 

Was he in over his head like he was during their match back in middle-school? Back then, deep down he knew he wasnt going to win against Kageyama's team, but did it stop him from trying to win? 

The simple answer, was no. 

-...-

Practice itself ran a little longer, not that he was complaining. Volleyball was his life, well, besides Tobio now. 

He let the towel he was drying some of his sweat off with hang around his shoulders. He picks up some of the balls that went across the gym. Glancing across the court over at Kageyama, the orange-top stiffened. 

Why was he so tense? He shook it off, as they headed to the club room to get changed, he glanced at him again. This time though, he relaxed. 

In the club room, they stood next to each other. The other's had already left, it was just the two of them. 

For some reason there was a big tension. Maybe it was just him, he didn't know anymore. 

Right as Shouyou was about to open his mouth to say something, Tobio's phone rang. He sucked in an uneasy breath. 

The taller of the two answered his phone, agreeing to whoever was on the other line. 

The call quickly ended with a "Yeah, see you there."

Hinata was nothing but curious. "Who was that?" he had mumbled, trying to sound casual but in the end he sounded like he was pouting. 

"No one, I won't be able to walk you home today." Tobio said, not giving any insight on where he was going. In all honesty, it was making the smaller more upset than he should be. 

His eyebrows furrowed, he bit his lip but didnt say anything. He so badly wanted to, wanted to say something. Anything. But what if he did? Would Tobio yell at him? Would he ignore him? He didn't know. 

Maybe it was best to just keep it to himself. 

He watched his boyfriend leave the club room with his bag over his shoulder. No goodbye or anything. 

He looked down at his own bag, feeling his eyes water, he clenched his fist. 

but.... he didn't go after him. No matter how much he yearned to. 

-...-

That same night, he was up late again. He hopes him staying up late isnt showing at practice. 

Kageyama says he isn't a king, but he sure was acting like one. This wasn't fair. He felt as if he was trying to hard to keep what they had going.

But in reality, neither of them were really doing anything. 

-...-

_"Nothing goes as planned-Everything will break_  
People say goodbye-In their own special way  
All that you rely on-And all that you can fake  
Will leave you in the morning-But find you in the day" __

__-...-_ _

__Later that week, Kageyama said he had a study session with Tsukishima. Since when would they have a one on one study session? Them? They hate each other!_ _

__Shouyou felt as if it was a lie, but he didn't say anything._ _

__He shouldn't have too, right? They both needed to work on getting good grades._ _

__But why did it hurt so _bad _that they couldn't do it _together? _______

______ _ _ _ _

______Once the bell rang, it felt as if his other half was gone in an instant. He didn't get what the rush was, not even Kei had left yet._ _ _ _ _ _

______He felt something grip his heart, but, he didn't do anything._ _ _ _ _ _

______He felt like something wasn't right, but, he ignored it because what if someone found him doubting his boyfriend? That wouldn't look good._ _ _ _ _ _

______At times like these, he wishes he could turn his feelings off._ _ _ _ _ _

______-_ _ _ _ _ _

______After school, he saw Tadashi and Kei, he didn't see Kageyama anywhere. He felt a tug on his heart, ignoring it, he approached the two._ _ _ _ _ _

______Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow, and Tsukki looked displeased. He understands, its weird for him to approach them without a real reason._ _ _ _ _ _

______He asked them if they knew where Tobio was, asking why they aren't having their so called "study session" ._ _ _ _ _ _

______Kei looked over confused, saying bluntly that they never even talked about that and even if they did he wouldn't study with the king._ _ _ _ _ _

______The two walk off and Shouyou holds his breath._ _ _ _ _ _

______So that means he lied? Was he done? Did he not want to hang out?_ _ _ _ _ _

______Thoughts swarming the short boys head, he feels light headed and nauseous._ _ _ _ _ _

______If Tobio didn't want to hang out, he could have just said so. He didn't have to make up lies and excuses._ _ _ _ _ _

______He'll tell him that himself later._ _ _ _ _ _

______-...-_ _ _ _ _ _

______He doesn't_ _ _ _ _ _

______-...-_ _ _ _ _ _

______He stayed later after school, seeing is his boyfriend would come back. In all truth, he missed him. They havent talked in a while, they havent had contact itself in a while. He misses him, even if he's right next to him._ _ _ _ _ _

______To boy he was waiting for never showed, but that's fine. Even if he wanted him to show up, he didnt exactly expect him too._ _ _ _ _ _

______Sighing, he walked to the bike rike and grabbed the only bike there. He waited a few useless minutes, as if thinking something would change. He didn't feel like riding, so he just walked his way home. Slowly, but he got there eventually._ _ _ _ _ _

______-...-_ _ _ _ _ _

______Tobio wasn't there the next day, and that's what got him. He waited so long last night and he wasn't even there the next day._ _ _ _ _ _

______He clenches his teeth, but doesn't say anything. Yamaguchi asks him if he's okay, he nods roughly. He doesn't say anything, thinking that if he doesn't, maybe somebody else will._ _ _ _ _ _

______But that's just a fantasy right? Nobody can help him if he doesn't say anything. But what if he did say something? Would they think differently? Surely someone should have noticed by now, things arent the same anymore._ _ _ _ _ _

______Yet he still doesnt even hint at anything._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______-...-_ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Everything will change-Nothing stays the same  
Nobody here's perfect-Oh, but everyone's to blame  
Oh, all that you rely on-And all that you can save  
Will leave you in the morning -And find you in the day ___

________-...-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The day after that one, the 'blueberry' returns. He says he was feeling under the weather and wanted to make sure he didn't get sick._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hinata didn't buy any of it himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When changing in the club room, Shouyou notices a fading hickey. A hickey he knows that he himself did not leave there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________he pretends he didnt notice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Because what if he did bring it up? He was to scared, everything was falling. Crashing and burning with no sound. He feels like he's just a viewer, he can't do anything to stop it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Why did it have to happen?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Through out the day, orange waits. He waits for something to change, for his partner to run up to him and say what he wants to hear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He leaves his glance on Tobio for maybe a little longer than needed at the end of the day, their eyes connect. The other eyes widening as Shouyou averts his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His eyes fill with tears as he leaves again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Didn't Tobio know it was their two year anniversary?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Didn't he know that by letting Hinata see that hickey he's breaking the poor boy's heart?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Didnt he know that?!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Shouyou doesn't say anything. He's certain now, it's not going to change anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-...-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The days seem to get longer. They don't talk, and Shouyou's left to wonder why. There were'nt any words said, so how is he supposed to know?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That's right, he doesn't know._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________What if he did know? Would that change anything?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It's a Saturday, around 3pm. He's walking around town. He wanted to ask Kageyama to hang out with him; but when he went to call, he froze up. The longer they don't talk the worse its going to get._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He turns the corner, onto one of the main streets, he looks up. He see's who he's longing for._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tobio walking out of a cafe, a small one, They were supposed to go to that one. Hell they still can, but it's not like anythings going to change. He goes to let out a bitter laugh but his throat tightens, he sees something he wishes he didnt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The grand kind, Oikawa Tooru, walks out behind his boyfriend. He gives Tobio a kiss on the cheek, seemingly saying something cheery and then walking away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Wasn't Tooru with Iwazumi?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Shouyou chokes a little._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Everything he's been holding back, everything he's been ignoring, been not saying, bubbles over before cooling back down. It happens over and over in the tiniest time span._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He feels like he's on a rollar coaster he can't get off. The bumps happening over and over and over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But soon, he'll fly off, he can't stay on forever._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As much as he wants to go over to the boy who he loves and misses so much, as much as he wants to yell and scream and ask him why, ask him what's been going on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As much as he just wants to have contact with him,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________he doesn't do anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He takes a step back before turning heel and running as fast as he can._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Does Kageyama feel nothing?! All the lonely and empty nights Hinata spent wondering about everything, all the emotional trauma he feels right now, is Kageyama fine? Was he fine? While Shouyou was dying inside, was Tobio with Oikawa?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The shocked boy doesn't know what to do. What exatly do you do when you find out that the one person you love more than anything, the one person you trust more than anything, is cheating and being selfish?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________What if he wasn't cheating, though? Hinata stills at this, it's true. What if Kageyama wasn't cheating? What if this is all a misunderstanding._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Shouyou had a feelings of it for a while, but ignored it because he trusts Kageyama more than anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Once again, he's stumped. He wishes Sugawara was still here, he would know what to do. He would be able to help._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But Suga isn't here, nobody is there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Hinata's eyebrows furrow, he walks home, his mind in over drive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-...-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The boy doesn't go to school on Monday. He's terrified. What if he goes and he does something. What if he lashes out? What if it's too awkward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________What if._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He sleeps the entire day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-...-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________On Tuesday, he wakes up. The crushing feeling in his chest still there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He ignores it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He gets up, he gets dressed, he does his normal routine. He grabs his bike and goes to school._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tobio doesn't know he knows. So, Shouyou will ignore it. The boy will hide that he knows, because what if he tells the latter he does know. What's going to happen?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Shouyou will hide everything he's seen. He will push his suffocating feelings down. He may feel like hes drowing, but he's not. He can work through this. He can do this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He won't say anything. He'll just act normal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________\----_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> AM I CRINGE YET wtf is this ugly. DIALOGUE IS NOT MY-- im not good at that.  
> this was pure vent ~~~~~~ this is also my otp and im crying because i just wanted to vent & i killed the orange boy. pls leave comment or kudos or smth to lmk. this killed me more than it killed you.  
> im not crying-- you are!! i was listening to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGESwIFmOTA & https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUlX8ltm_JU while writing this. kms i WANTED THIS TO BE LONGER BUT IM SO GAY. im want it to be good because im so shy and anxiety of posting here. i was thinking of making this a 3 part thing but NOT ANYMORE----- I WROTE THIS DEAD TIRED AND EMOTIONALLY DYING HERE. uhhhh pls be gentle


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